As someone who loves the Jurassic films, I’ve noticed a steep drop in quality since Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Now, I’m going to continue to see them (I’ve stated before that if they made 25 of these, I would see all 25), but at some point, studios are going to have to listen to audiences (ahem, the Sonic movies) and actually “do” better.
After 2022’s Jurassic World: Dominion, I thought we’d finally be done with a series that has been milked to the last drop. If you aren’t going to have a quality standard, then stop making the films. In Jurassic World Rebirth, every single step of the movie is predictable except for a consolation prize at the end.
The plot is one we’re all familiar with: someone who’s an adventurer and motivated by money is lured into an excavation mission of dinosaur “anything” by a sinister man representing a company with vast wealth and no desire for the environment or animals. For a film that’s supposed to be a fresh restart, we’re already starting in the negative.
So we have a discount dollar Lara Croft in Zora Bennett (Scarlett Johansson) who’s lured into this secret mission by Evil Orlando Bloom (Martin Krebs, played by Rupert Friend) with the promise of becoming a very rich woman. So far, we’re on Jurassic-level expectations here. Martin brings on a scientist named Dr. Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey), who’s genuinely curious about seeing dinosaurs up close but has zero idea what’s going on. The Dinos have now been forced to an area near the equator, and travel has been banned by most of the world, so you’ll need someone with a boat to get there. For that, Zora calls her friend Duncan (Mahershala Ali) and adds security from Bobby Atwater (Ed Skrein), with Leclerc (Bechir Sylvain) and Nina (Philipine Velge) rounding out the crew. If one storyline wasn’t enough, we have a second for some unknown reason.
At sea, a father named Reuben (Manuel Garcia-Rufo) is taking his two daughters, Teresa (Luna Blaise) and Isabella (Audrina Miranda) out on his boat, La Mariposa, that he build himself. Also aboard, was Teresa’s boyfriend Xavier (David Iacono). Reuben is divorced and has his girls for the summer, but unfortunately couldn’t get “just” them. Teresa had to bring her socially inept boyfriend along for the trip, who isn’t very helpful and eats Isabella’s candy. They intended on sailing to Capetown until their plans were interrupted by a Mosasaur, capsizing their boat and leaving them stranded at sea. Since everything is predictable, yes, the two worlds between the family and the money-inspired Dino mission collide.
The story is a few steps away from insufferable, but there are some high points. Audrina Miranda, who plays Isabella, is excellent. She was a breath of fresh air (and yes it helped that she was absolutely adorable) and displayed the best character growth out of the entire cast. Relatively mute for the first hour, she grows into her own character and personality toward the end of the film. There are a host of new dinosaurs in the film, with the coup de grâce arriving in the form of a D-Rex. And let me just say, I had no problems with the Dinos. There were some hybrids due to experiments and we didn’t get inundated with ones we’ve seen in the past. The adventure at its roots are relatively the same, but the images are different. The Dinos, terrain, and danger have a fresh look. The film even has a Spielberg moment with the Jurassic Park theme in the background, almost as a marker, to let you know, “Hey, this is supposed to be emotional.”
While more dinosaurs were added, there wasn’t much of a change in story. Watching people make mistakes you could see coming from four miles away didn’t help, nor did making already shaky characters less embraceable by their poor decisions. The dialogue? Criminally cheesy. There was one exchange between Dr. Loomis and Evil Orlando Bloom (yes, I’m going to keep calling him that) that was especially cringy. “So what? Next you’re going to tell me that killing Dinosaurs is a crime?” Dr. Loomis responds, “No it’s not a crime… It’s a sin.” The relationship between Zora and Duncan worked out the best, but even they executed some C- dialogue periodically. Also, Leclerc roaming around the ship and the jungle speaking clear French around English speakers, and everyone understanding each other, was bananas.
Jurassic World Rebirth gets a 6 out of 10. I know these writers/directors can do better because I’ve seen it. Jurassic Park Camp Cretaceous and Chaos Theory are solid gold and hold better storylines than the past two films. The film is an extremely slow burn and will have you looking at your watch every 15 minutes. As disappointing as this was, if they release another one, I’ll give it a chance. If the world can continue to give M. Knight Shyamalan (and his family) chances, why shouldn’t I stick around with the Jurassic folks until they get it right?
For fun? Count how many times Scarlett Johansson slides in the film (just trust me).
Jurassic World Rebirth premieres in theaters July 2.
-Jon Jones
Photos: Getty, Universal Pictures
Genre: Action, Adventure
Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of violence, bloody images, some suggestive references, language and a drug reference.
Runtime: 2 hrs 14 mins
Trailer: Watch
U.S. Release Date: July 2